


he's a trick ass bitch but he's my trick ass bitch

by leviverse



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Explicit Language, I'll add more tags later, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 23:11:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17948975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviverse/pseuds/leviverse
Summary: Levi and Eren are childhood best friends, fuckboys, and college roommates.





	he's a trick ass bitch but he's my trick ass bitch

“Dab _one more time._ See what happens,” Levi grinds out through clenched teeth.

“Fuck you,” says Eren, promptly delivering a sick dab and glaring at the shorter man with challenge in his eyes.

“I will fucking _end_ you.” Levi vaults over the coffee table in the middle of their living room, feet landing on the carpeted floor in time with the bass drop in _Bloom_ by Troye Sivan. He thinks he hears a _thud_ as the coffee cup drops off of the edge, but he doesn’t remember if he finished the coffee or not and he has more important things on his mind right now than stained carpet, i.e. whipping Eren’s bitch ass.

“Fuck this song. Alexa, play _We Can’t Stop_ by Miley—”

“No—Alexa, shut up,” Levi interrupts. Alexa lights up blue in response, and if cylindrically-shaped virtual assistants could somehow manage to look downtrodden, she did.

“Watch me yeet myself out of here before you catch me—” “Jesus _fuck,_ Eren, no one talks like that. Get your ass over here.” “Dabbing is an _artform,_ Levi. It’s a dance. You can’t just try to limit my artistic expression like this.” “I’ll limit whatever the fuck you do if you wake me up at 7 A.M. on a Saturday yelling _‘Hey, Levi, look at this’_ with a shit-eating grin on your face. Especially if it’s dabbing over my still-waking body.”  

Toward the end of that back-and-forth, Levi is out of breath and sprawled out over their secondhand couch while Eren is still standing and leaning against his bedroom door, poised as if to run (or, _yeet,_ as he had so poetically put it) if Levi were to suddenly jump at him. Great, because he needed another excuse to realize how fit Eren is compared to himself.

Levi gives up, but vows that he’ll kick Eren in the balls later or something as payback.

“I don’t know how I put up living with you. You leave your dirty ass laundry in the kitchen, make a racket cooking instant ramen at 3AM, and walk around like a fucking personified Tumblr shitpost.”

“Ass laundry?”

“I will shove my hand so far up your ass you’ll feel me flipping you off in your esophagus.”

Eren makes a little ‘o’ with his mouth with a pop, saying, “Yikes. I’ll save the rest of my sick dabs for a later time, then.” He walks across the small living room of their apartment, pushing off Levi’s legs from the couch and plopping himself down.

“And _Bloom_ is a good song,” Levi complains, pulling himself up against the back of the couch, “I thought you liked Troye.”

“I do. That song’s about bottoming, though. Miss me with that gay shit.”

“Eren, between the two of us, _you’re_ the gay one.”

“Yeah, that’s why I can make that joke and you can’t.”

Levi rolls his eyes in response. He’s heard Eren belting out the chorus for that song in the shower, anyway.

“Your coffee spilled on the carpet, by the way,” Eren adds.

“You’re cleaning that up. It’s your fault that happened.”

“Okay, you’re literally the one who got so upset over some innocent _dabbing_ that you had to somersault over the fucking table,” drawls Eren, “but oh-kay.”

Levi groans. “I literally had to watch you dab in response to _everything_ in senior year of high school. I am _not_ going to live through that again.”

“Leave me alone. This is how I’m coping with finals stress right now.”

“What, traveling back in the land of trendy memes and picking out every single one that irks me? Yesterday, you were sending me that Pikachu reaction picture to everything, today, it’s dabbing, what’s it gonna be tomorrow? You gonna eat a fucking Tide Pod™?” taunts Levi.

Eren feints hurt, resting a hand over his chest. “You think I’d waste our detergent for the sake of a meme? I would never.”

“Get off your fucking ass and wipe the shit off the floor.”

“Okay, I’ll do it on one condition.”

Levi glares at him instead of giving a verbal answer.

“I’ll clean the floor if you dab once,”—Levi lets out an exasperated groan—“once, Levi!”

It’s Levi’s turn to say: “Fuck you.” Eren stares at him for a couple moments, then grabs Levi’s hands, pulling one arm up diagonally while forcing his other elbow to bend and shoving it in his face. Levi sputters, and Eren pivots on his heel, runs to his room, and locks the door behind him.

“You little shit—at least clean up the coffee like you promised!”

***

Eren’s family moves into the apartment next door on Levi’s 6th birthday. He knows this because he remembers laying in bed and wondering what the heck all the ruckus was. His room must be adjacent to the living room next door, separated only by the papier-mâché thin wall and crumbling white paint. He could hear a faint laughter that belonged to another child and a gently spoken conversation between two probably loving parents. Sometime that same afternoon, Uncle Kenny goes out to pick up more liquor and some greasy takeout dinner. He comes back with both of those plus a box of donuts, and insists on Levi taking it next door to _leave a good first impression._

Levi begrudging takes the flat box of donuts that’s wider than his 6-year-old wingspan, and saunters over to #402 with the 6-year-old swagger that screams _king of the monkey bars in preschool._

The boy who answers the door is a little shorter than he is, and Levi wonders how the heck he managed to reach the doorknob when the door pulls back further to reveal a woman with soft features and a steady smile.

 _Hi,_ she says, _you must be one of our neighbors._

Levi stares at her for a moment because she seems like the dictionary definition of _mother._

He holds the box of donuts over his head like an offering, and the woman gingerly takes it with one hand.

 _Do you want to come in?_ she asks with that same smile growing wider. _I was just about give Eren his afternoon snack._ The boy by her knees peers at Levi in the same way that a curious child might stare in wonder at a merry-go-round for the first time.

 _We can watch Pokémon together!_ the boy says excitedly, taking Levi by the hand and dragging him into the apartment. The living room is filled to the corners with both opened and unopened boxes, marked with _dishware_ and _clothes_ and other things, but the TV is set up on the floor and already tuned to CN.

_What’s Pokémon?_

Eren gives him an incredulous look. _If you want to be my friend, you have to watch Pokémon. Actually, no worries, I’ll watch it again with you!_

_Okay._

That’s the first time that Levi meets Eren.

Uncle Kenny doesn’t come back home on Levi’s 12th birthday. That was probably what fate designated to be Levi’s worst day in existence, because Kenny was a shit guardian, but he put food on the table and made sure Levi had clothes and a roof over his head. Without him, Levi was just a sad little orphan left in the hands of government paternalism.

Levi waits two days until he’s sure Kenny is not coming back.

He knocks on the door to the Jaegers’ apartment, because he doesn’t know what else he can do.

 _My uncle hasn’t come back since Tuesday. I don’t know what to do._ Mr. Jaeger has the look on his face that anyone would have if their 12-year-old neighbor walked up to them and told them they were abandoned—confused, surprised, a little lost.

 _Come in, Levi,_ he finally says, _let’s talk inside._

Kenny was a shit guardian, but he would never abandon Levi, not on purpose. That’s what Levi tells himself. He must be dead in a ditch somewhere.

 _Please don’t call the police,_ Levi asks in a quiet voice, and he thinks he can see Carla Jaeger’s heart form a fissure in the way her face crumbles from across the table. _What if he comes back and I’m not there?_

 _Well, Levi,_ Grisha says hesitantly, _we can’t just leave you to stay in that apartment by yourself._

Eren tiptoes out of his room, still in his ninja turtle pajama pants even though it’s past noon and he’s way too old for TMNT. _Maybe he can stay with us, Dad. And if Uncle Kenny comes back, we’ll know because we’re right next door._

Levi thinks that’s a stupid idea. He’s about to let that be known when Carla puts a hand on Grisha’s shoulder and Grisha bows his head, considering for a moment.

_Would that be okay, Levi? I’m sure Kenny will come home soon. He’s probably just caught up with something._

Kenny doesn’t come back. Levi turns 13, 14, deeper into his teens. Eren is with him throughout those years. The Jaeger household becomes a home that Levi returns to everyday.

At one point, the Jaegers move to another city, and Levi moves with them without thinking about what might happen if Kenny comes back and he’s not there anymore.

(He already knows he won’t come back. Levi doesn’t know what happened to him, and he doesn’t care, either.)

Eren is there for Levi’s first breakup.

 _She said I have abandonment issues. I couldn’t even say anything back because it’s probably true,_ says Levi somberly, his spoon stuck in the glob of melted ice cream and bundled up in his blankets on top of the bunk bed.

 _Fuck that girl, Levi,_ Eren says as he ascends the ladder, climbing atop of Levi and giving him a massive bear hug.

_Eren—the ice cream—_

_Shut up and enjoy the hug, Le._ Later, Levi yells at Eren for getting ice cream on his shirt and his sheets, but there’s no venom in his words.

They have late nights together, where they huddle together on Eren’s bottom bunk and watch shitty horror movies or old sitcoms. They have dinners where Levi feels less like a charge to a guardian and more like a son and brother to a family. Levi helps Eren with stats homework and Eren helps him with English literature. They apply for college and financial aid together, ticking the same boxes on the list of colleges and pressing ‘submit’ at the same time, 2 minutes before the final deadline, and tackling each other right afterwards because they’re in their last year of high school and there’s a one-of-a-kind euphoria that comes with that.

They can’t walk together during the graduation ceremony because Levi is lined up in the front with the other _A_ s and Eren is somewhere in the middle of the alphabetized succession, but when Levi goes up to receive his diploma, he hears Eren enthusiastically shouting his name over the bored claps of the crowd. He does the same when Eren is up.

The drive to their college dorm is a long one, and they only survive the summer desert heat of the 5 freeway thanks to the AC and hourly stops at 7-11 for Slurpees.

_Eren, the Coca-Cola one tastes like fucking garbage._

_Fight me, Le._

_Don’t fight, kids,_ says Grisha nonchalantly as he pays for their third set of Slurpees since they set out on the road.

 _Levi was talking shit about Coke Slurpees, Mom,_ snitches Eren when they get back to the car.

Carla looks behind at the backseat, pointedly at Levi. _Levi, I love you, but we’re gonna have to agree to disagree there._ Levi just rolls his eyes as Grisha starts the car back up, its gas tank freshly refueled.

Carla and Grisha both shed tears when they drop off the last of Levi and Eren’s stuff at their new dorm rooms, two doors down from each other, though Grisha tries harder to let it not show.

 _Don’t do drugs,_ reminds Carla. _I know you’re gonna have sex anyway so I’m not going to tell you not to do it, but please, please remember to use protection._

 _Oh, my god. Mom._ Eren somehow manages to look both positively embarrassed and unperturbed at the same time. _I know._

_We love you guys. Call us whenever you have time._

Last hugs until winter break, I love yous, reminders. Eren and Levi both set off to make their 4-year university experience a home away from home.

 _I can’t stand my fucking roommate,_ Eren says a month into the school year. _He masturbates on the top bunk when he thinks I’m asleep, but I can hear his hentai shit through his shitty headphones._

 _Tough,_ Levi replies, slurping his dining hall spaghetti that tastes more like plastic confetti than actual food. _Mine just does his coding homework or something all night. His typing is annoying, but I guess I’d rather have that than have a horny ass roommate._

 _After this year’s over,_ Eren promises, _we’re definitely looking for an apartment together. I am_ not _living with another stranger ever again._

_Okay._

When April of their freshman year rolls around, Eren already has a list of apartments they’re going for open house and scope out.

_What the fuck, Eren, we can’t view all these apartments in one day._

_They’re thirty minutes apart. As long as we catch the 51B from the first viewing and the 36 from the third one, we’ll be able to make it to all of them._

They do just that, but they end up having to run to the bus stops because Eren didn’t include the walk time from apartment to bus stop when he was putting together his meticulous schedule.

 _You suck ass,_ complains Levi when they slump down in the backseats of the 51B.

Eren has the audacity to wink. _And don’t you forget it._

They move in on the day that they’re kicked out of the dorms, which is the day right after the end of finals week. They think that the school should be sued for psychological distress for forcing students to deal with finals _and_ move out in the same week.

The rent is definitely too high because the property owners know that the university students have no choice but to lease apartments around the area, and the apartment probably hasn’t been thoroughly cleaned since it’s been remodeled in the 90s, but it’s their own, and that somehow makes it okay that the apartment is pretty shit.

Carla and Grisha come up during the first week of their move in so they can go to IKEA and pick up cheap furniture that’ll last 3 years max, but that’s good enough because they’ll have graduated by the time the dining table fall on its legs.

They pick up a used couch from a suspicious dealer on Craigslist and set up two twin beds for each of their rooms. It takes way too fucking long for Eren and Levi to figure out how to assemble two dining chairs, and one of them ends up with the seat attached upside-down. Carla and Grisha stay one night, and they catch up on missed time over Hallmark movies and Carla’s homecooked food.

Over summer, Eren gets a part-time job at a daycare affiliated with the school, and he comes home every working day with stories gushing about the kids he works with. Levi takes summer classes so that he can pick up a Psych minor.

 _I fucking hate Berkeley,_ Eren says over Chinese takeout, six weeks into their sophomore year. _Everyone here is depressed and you have to drive out 15 miles to see actual people and not just students._

 _Don’t forget, the libraries always smell like ass and tears,_ Levi adds drily.

_That, too._

Levi considers for a moment, then asks, _Y_ _ou wanna ditch classes tomorrow and go to San Fran?_

Eren grins, skewering beef and broccoli on his fork. _Hell, yeah._

It’s in the midst of midterm season, but that’s a problem for tomorrow’s Eren and Levi. The BART smells like piss and screeches every time it meets the slightest of turns, so they plug in their earphones and each blast their own playlists. The narrow streets of SF aren’t much better, but they pass Market Street and its fancy shops, ride the MUNI to Ghirardelli Square and eat three servings of hot fudge sundae each, and they decide that the troublesome travel is worthwhile when they sit on the huge steps facing the inner bay and Alcatraz. The setting summer sun isn’t as intense on this side of the bay.

Eren tosses a broken cracker at a crowd of seagulls and ends up getting chased for half a block, harassed by angry birds squawking for more. One of them actually nips Eren’s forearm, and he complains about it all the way home, while Levi laughs his ass off at his dumb antics.

All of this is why Levi stays with Eren. Embedded in each memory he recalls, is Eren by his side.

***

Levi wakes up on the morning after his last final exam of sophomore year feeling like shit and definitely not in his own bed. He groans, and his throat feels like how nails on chalk sounds. Eren is in his boxers, sprawled out in the little space next to him on the twin sized bed.

“Eren,” he croaks, shaking the unconscious body, “Eren, wake up. Get me a glass of water, I feel like death.” He only gets a groan in response. “And tell me why the fuck I’m in your bed.”

Eren blinks blearily up at him, squinting as though the late morning sun were assaulting his eyes. “You fucking puked in your bed last night. You don’t remember?”

“Why did I do that?”

“You can ask that again after you see the half-empty bottle of Smirnoff Vodka in the kitchen. Bastard. I had to carry you into my room because you wouldn’t stop crying about not having studied enough for your last final or some shit.”

“Did you at least clean the vomit, though?”

“Like I would touch that with a 10-feet mop. No, thanks,” Eren murmurs, closing his eyes and turning his head away. Levi groans.

“So you’re telling my my own vomit is drying on top of my sheets and comforter? Right now? In this very moment? Soaking into my mattress?”

“Shut up and go back to sleep, Levi, it’s the break of dawn.”

Levi glances at the clock, and pushes Eren off the edge of the bed with his bare foot. He tumbles down with the sheets tangled around him and some colorful words. “Bitch, it’s 11 o’ clock. And we have a mattress to clean.”

Levi doesn’t like to acknowledge that he’s a lightweight, but Eren doesn’t relent in reminding him of it, either. It’s not like they had a party, because neither of them is that much into frat parties or crowds, in general; it was literally just the two of them, Eren taking sips from his shot glass and munching on salsa and chips while Levi mixes his vodka with blood orange San Pellegrino (“You’re a bougie bitch, Levi.” “Shut the fuck up and drink your nasty ass straight vodka, you monster.”) and playing Mario Cart together on their cheap WalMart TV. At one point, probably after his 4thSolo cup, Levi asks Eren if he can touch his “rock hard abs” (“Your words, not mine,” Eren supplements when Levi glares at him) and Eren replies, “And I’m the gay one?”

It takes them two hours to get the soiled sheets off of Levi’s mattress, dab away at the wet spot of his vomit (Levi silently thanks whatever deity is watching him because it’s mostly just liquid, no solid foods) and haul out to the balcony to dry in the sun.

“God, I need a shower after that.”

“Yeah, you should. You stink.”

“Oh? Whose fault is that, Levi? Whose mattress is this, hm? Whose puke?”

Levi just gives him The Look™ and heads back into the kitchen, set on cooking a late breakfast for the two of them. He’s not going to say thank you out loud, but he can at least make some food as indirect thanks.

Fifteen minutes later, Levi is setting down two plates of bacon and eggs with toasted English muffins and Eren walks out of the steamy bathroom with just a towel around his waist.

Levi grimaces. “Christ, put on some clothes.”

“What, you don’t want to touch these rock hard abs?”

Putting his hand to his hips, Levi replies, “So what I’m hearing is that you don’t want breakfast, Eren? Should I just throw this in the compost?”

“Give me two minutes,” Eren says, darting into his room and emerging in boxers and a loose t-shirt. Better than nothing, Levi supposes.

Eren plops down on the dining chair with a creak, taking his breakfast sandwich in his hands and biting off a mouthful. He moans into the sandwich tastefully. 

"I can't tell if you're busting a nut or eating breakfast," Levi mutters as he seats himself down.

"Both," Eren says, consonants rounding out with his mouth still full of chewed up sandwich until he swallows. "You should take a shower soon, too, we're supposed to meet Armin and Mikasa in thirty minutes."

Levi's sandwich stops halfway to his mouth. "What?"

"We promised to hangout after finals, remember?"

" _Shit—"_ Levi drops his sandwich back onto his plate and runs into his bedroom, grabbing his towel before rushing into the bathroom, but not before pointing an accusatory finger at Eren's hungry face and saying, "Don't you dare touch my breakfast sandwich, I'll be back in five minutes."

**Author's Note:**

> so, i have no idea where i'm going with this lol. i just sat down for three hours and this is what came up. i don't know when i'll be up for writing the next part again but hopefully sometime soon because i'm becoming quite attached to these versions of levi and eren. why dabbing? i don't know, eren just looks like the type of boy who'd have dabbed with the trend if he were in this timeline. i also think that coca-cola slurpees taste like shit but i drink them anyway, so i think i have slurpee dissonance. 
> 
> drinking game: take a shot every time Levi or Eren say _shit, fuck,_ or _ass._
> 
> let me know how this is and if it's worth continuing or if i should go read some more books before attempting to write again. deuces.


End file.
